Two crazy stories...

“Treize’s Crazy Not Drugged Up Trip” AND “WuFei’s Birthday Surprise”

"Treize's Crazy Not Drugged Up Trip"

     Colonel Treize was a very dignified man. No one could argue with that. His belt always matched his shoes, and he never changed his facial expression. He was a very, very dignified man. So dignified, in fact, that it caused Lady Une to change sexes at the mere mention of his name.
     Lady Une, trying to suck up, helped Treize out of his plane. Naturally, Treize struck a pose at the top of the landing.
     “Mr. Treize,” Lady Une muttered, trying to rub against him, “I have your bath prepared for you sir.” She turned and whispered, “And Puddles T. Duck has anxiously awaited your arrival as well.”
     Treize nodded neutrally. “Thank you, Lady Une.” he tried to toss his cape over his shoulder elegantly, but instead it flipped over his head, simultaneously destroying his carefully styled hair.
     “Ack!” Treize cried, tripping forward.
Lady tried to catch him, but became so flustered at the thought of touching him that she changed sexes three times and then dissolved into a fit of mannish giggles.
     Treize lurched forwards, trying to lean back to stop himself, but instead he lost his balance and toppled down the remaining steps, hitting his pretty little head on the bottom.
     “Your Excellency!” Lady Une sobbed, rushing to his side. “Oh no! Are you all right?!”
     Treize was out cold.
     “What have I done?! How can I live with myself?!” she cried.
     Treize groaned and shook his head.
     “Ah! You’re still alive! Thanks be!” she cried happily, hugging and efficiently smothering him.
     “Umo ehropdi hoen!” he gasped.
     “Oh! Your Excellency! You’re speaking gibberish!” she sobbed.
     Treize shook his head. “Hey, chick! Get off me!”
     Lady Une frowned and looked down at her love. “Sir?”
     He shook his head again. “How’s a guy to breathe? Back off!”
     She blushed. “Yessir. Okay sir.” She stepped back. “I’m so sorry Your Excellency. I hope you are well?”
     “Yeah, I’m fine,” he replied testily, standing, “but I’m really hungry. Go make yourself useful and get me a pizza or something.” he looked down. “What the hell am I wearing? My fraternity brothers will really laugh it up….”
     “Sir? Fraternity brothers?”
     He nodded slowly. “Yeah…you a little slow or what? Who are you?”
     “You don’t remember me?” she gasped, a tear escaping one eye. “Oh. I’m Lady Une, you’re…” She was tempted to say ‘wife’ but was afraid of the consequences when Treize returned to himself, “assistant, sir. You fell down the stairs. Are you okay? You seem to have lost you memory.”
     “I haven’t lost my memory! I know exactly who I am- I’m Teddy ‘the Terminator’ Kushrenada. Someone get me some jeans or something.”
     “Jeans? Oh, yessir. I’ll get you some jeans….why don’t you go into your office. It’s the first one on the right. Just stay in there and…don’t talk to anyone, okay?”
     He shrugged. “Whatever. And the pizza. Don’t forget the pizza.”
     She groaned. “Yes, your Excellency.”

     Treize chomped on his pizza while watching ‘Married-with Children’. He laughed suddenly and starting choking.
     “Your Excellency! Do you need the heimlich?” Une asked nervously.
     He shook his head and downed some budweiser. “I’m okay. Back off chick!”
     “Uh…Your Excellency-.”
     “Teddy. Or Terminator.”
     “Right. Um, we’ve finally got all five Gundams in custody, and I’m assuming you don’t want to interrogate them in this frame of mind-.”
     Treize pointed at the screen. “Wait! This is a good part. Watch.” he grinned and waited.
    Someone on screen farted. Treize laughed. “Yeah. That’s some funny stuff.” he paused and looked up. “You still here? You need to loosen up or something. I hereby appoint you Chief Enforcer of Partying Down.”
     Une grimaced. “Are you serious, sir?”
     He nodded. “You can thank me later.”
     “Yes sir, but as for the Gundams….”
     “Consider it your first duty as Enforcer of Partying Down.”
     “I’m afraid I don’t understand sir.”
     “Go throw them a party.”
     “A party?”
     “And not just any party! The most kick ass party they’ve ever been to! With lots of booze! And a stripper!”
     Une stared in horror. “This is your order, sir?”
     “For the last time, yes! Just go do that.” He paused and picked up a framed photo of himself and Zechs. “Whoa! Who’s the hottie? I know this guy? Go get him. Tell him it’s an order or whatever. Just get his hot ass in here!”

“WuFei’s Birthday Surprise”

     “It’s all Doctor J’s fault,” Heero griped, struggling against his bonds. “If he hadn’t creeped me out with all that clicking, I could have saved you guys.”
     Duo shuddered. “Doctor J….ugh….”
     Lieutenant Nikol hissed, “Shut up! Stop talking! Colonel Treize will be here soon. Then we’ll find out what you’re really doing with the colonies!”
     “You’re weak!” WuFei snapped.
     “WuFei,” Quatre scolded, trying to nurse his black eye, “insults will only hurt his self-esteem. Let’s be nice.”
     “Bite me,” he muttered. “You’re just lucky I don’t have Nataku.”
     “I wonder how they tracked me down at the circus,” Trowa muttered, frowning down at his costume. “I feel really stupid.”
     WuFei closed his eyes. “I can’t even look at you.”
     “Scared of clowns?” Duo challenged.
     “Shut up, weakling!” WuFei hissed back. “They’re eerie….that’s all.”
     “Right,” Duo said with a grin.
     “I said shut up!” Nikol yelled.
     “Oh, what’re you gonna do? Shoot us? You can’t until Treize talks to us,” Duo retorted.
     Nikol slapped him upside the head.
     “I can do that,” Nikol said confidently.
     “Ow…,” Duo complained.
     “Hey, back off! WuFei will get you!” WuFei challenged.
     The pilots sighed.
     The door opened and Lady Une entered.
     “Oh no,” Trowa muttered, “it’s the crazy woman.”
     She narrowed her eyes. “As per Colonel Treize’s orders….Do any of you have a reason to party?”
     They stared back in confusion.
     “Well,” Quatre began hesitantly, “Tomorrow’s WuFei’s birthday.”
     The soldiers surrounding the group began to laugh.
     WuFei kicked Quatre.
     “Ow..,” Quatre whined. “Well it is….”
     “Wonderful,” Une answered. “Then we’re going to celebrate WuFei’s birthday.”
     The guards snickered.
     “Guards, you go out and get party hats and cake and…,” she sighed, “…and a stripper. And some kind of game, like pin the tail on the donkey or something.”
     Wufei’s face seemed to be getting redder.
     “And don’t forget gifts for him,” she continued. The guards continued to laugh. She frowned. “What’re you waiting for? That’s Treize’s orders, you fools! Hurry up and get the things His Excellency requires!”
     They exchanged confused looks for a moment, then walked out of the room with confused mumbles.
     She growled to the pilots, “And you’d better all have a real good time.”
     “Colonel Une?” Trowa muttered in confusion.
     “No…I’m no longer a Colonel,” she said with a blush. “I’m…Chief Enforcer.”
     “Chief Enforcer?” Heero murmured. “Of what?”
     “Partyingdown,” she muttered quickly, before turning and leaving.
     Once they were alone, Duo murmured, “Hey at least the guards left…..hey….did she say partying down?”

“Treize’s Crazy Not-Drugged-Up Trip” (cont)

     Lieutenant Colonel Zechs entered Treize’s office. “Your Excellency? You called for me?”
     Treize nodded and grinned. “Even taller in person…yum…”
     “Your Excellency?”
     “Uh…shut the door, what was your name? Oh right.” He grinned. “Zechs.” He winked.
     Zechs frowned. “S-sir?”
     Treize nodded slowly. It was good to be important.

“WuFei’s Birthday Surprise” (cont.)

     The soldiers returned with the items and glared at WuFei. WuFei glared back.
     “Pin the explosives on the Gundam,” Lady Une noted upon reading the package. “Interesting…”
     “Lieutenant Nikol printed it off his computer,” an ensign said proudly.
     “I hope you didn’t poison the cake,” Lady Une continued, “Treize doesn’t want them dead.”
     There were assorted mumbles and the cake ended up in the garbage.
     “I’ll bake some cupcakes,” another ensign offered.
     “You do that. And don’t poison them this time. Where’s the stripper?”
     “We’ve had several offers, including Relena Peacecraft, but we’ve settled on Hilde.”
     “Hilde!” Duo cried in horror. “No! She’s a man!”
     Lietenant Nikol grimaced. “A man! I told the yellow pages they should include photos!”
     “Me too!” WuFei agreed. “What happens if you pick an ugly one?”
     “We’ll just tell her to leave when she gets here,” Lady Une replied with a sigh. “Party hats?”
     Lietenant Nikol grinned. “Clowns.”
     WuFei cried, “No! C’mon! That’s just mean! It’s supposed to be my birthday!”
     Lady shrugged and began strapping the hats onto the various Gundam pilots. “You too,” she told the men. “This is supposed to be a party. We must all participate. According to Treize, we’re all fellow ‘homies’ today.” She pointed to her ‘Hello My Name is Anne’ nametag. “I made one for each of you. File by the table and pick up your tag.”
     The men groaned and shuffled over to the table. Une slapped the name tags onto the pilots.
     “Hey! You spelled my name wrong,” Quatre moaned. He turned to WuFei. “Hello Chang!”
     “It’s WuFei, fruit!” WuFei snapped. “Do I have to stay chained down for my party?”
     “You may stand for the games, but your fellow homies are armed so don’t try anything,” ‘Anne’ warned.
     Lietenant Nikol (who’s tag read ‘Alfonse’) approached Lady Une. “I tried to find the JayZee CD. I couldn’t find it. I…I searched through my own CD collection and the best I could find was ‘Barry Manillo’.”
     “Barry Manillo! I hate him!” WuFei whined. “This is the worst birthday ever!”
     “Don’t insult Lady Une’s party!” Nikol ordered.
     “Bite me, Alfonse!” WuFei snapped.
     “Alright, everyone stand up! We’re playing musical chairs,” Une snarled, undoing Duo’s handcuffs.

“WuFei’s Birthday Surprise” (Cont)

     “Sorry WuFei,” Une shrugged, “You’re out.”
     “Weak woman!” He squinted, “ ‘Jonothan’ cheated! That chair was mine!”
     Lady shrugged and WuFei scowled. He joined Duo and Trowa on the sidelines.
     “Come on, Quatre!” Duo called. “Beat those losers!”
     “Don’t put your money on Quatre,” WuFei scoffed, “at least bet on Heero.”
     “Beat their butts, Quatre!” Duo continued to call.
     Quatre smiled. “C’mon guys. Be fair. It doesn’t matter who wins. As long as we have fun.”
     “Give me a Q!” Duo continued.
     Trowa banged his head against the wall.
     “I think I’ll join you, Trowa,” WuFei groaned. “C’mon, Heero! Cheat or something!”
     Heero shrugged. The music started.
     “Oh no! Not Mandy!” WuFei cried in horror, covering his ears.
     Six Oz soldiers, Quatre, and Heero began circling around the chairs. The music stopped. Quatre took a seat. Heero knocked a soldier unconscious and took his seat.
     “Hey!” Nikol shouted, “Heero cheated.”
     Heero said nothing.
     “Did not!” Duo said defensively, “That soldier passed out on his own!”
     Nikol growled.
     “Just start the music,” Duo hooted.
     “No….,” moaned WuFei, banging his head.
     The music started. Another soldier passed out.
     Nikol shot Duo a look.
     “Not my fault you hired such wussy soldiers,” Duo continued with a grin. “Give me an ‘H’!”
     “Can we play a game that doesn’t involve music?” WuFei whined.
     The music started.
      “Heero, you’re out!” Lady said.
     Heero growled at the soldier in the chair.
     “Sleep with the lights on, ‘Horatio’,” Heero muttered. He leaned down. “I will destroy you.”
     Horatio shivered.
     Heero joined the losers circle.
     “Who’s your money on?” Duo asked WuFei knowingly. “C’mon Quatre!”
     “He can’t do it. He’ll probably offer the other guy the chair,” WuFei snorted.
     The music started. An Oz soldier lost.
     “Give me a ‘Q’! Give me an ‘A’!”
     “That’s ‘U’,” Quatre corrected.
     Duo blushed. “I read it off the nametag…”
     The music started and another Oz soldier left.
     “C’mon Sky!” Nikol called.
     “C’mon Quatre!” Duo called louder.
     “Sky!”
     “Quatre!”
     “You’re both losers!” WuFei hooted.
     “Shut up, Chang!” Duo and Nikol said in unison.
     The music started.
     The music stopped.
     Duo lept into the air. “Yeah! Yeah Quatre! Told you Quatre would win! Oh yeah! Gundams 10,000 Oz 0!”
     “Hey, we beat Earth Sphere Alliance!” Nikol snapped.
     “They sucked anyway!”
     “Oh yeah! We’ll beat the crap out of you in pin the explosives on the Gundam! We do that all the time!”

     “WuFei does not like spinning!” WuFei called as Lady Une spun him around ten times.
     “It’s in the rules,” Lady answered with a shrug, “and you insisted multiple times that we spin our soldiers.”
     WuFei grumbled as they released him.
     “Now go to Nataku,” Nikol taunted.
     “I don’t think I want to pin an explosive on Nataku…,” WuFei pointed out.
     “Shut up! Do you want to be weak and lose?”
     “WuFei doesn’t lose!” WuFei asserted, stumbling forwards. He stepped towards the poster and planted the explosive. He opened his eyes.
     “Good job WuFei!” Quatre called.
     “Yeah, you put it right where the pilot is supposed to be,” Nikol chuckled.
     “Shut up!” WuFei snapped. “It’s an effective place to put an explosive!”
     “Heero’s turn,” Duo interrupted, shoving Heero forwards.
     “Don’t forget to cheat,” WuFei whispered as they put on Heero’s blindfold. They began spinning him. “Can I take my hat off now?” WuFei asked.
     “No!” Une snapped.
     WuFei frowned.
     Heero walked straight forwards.
     “Apparently someone doesn’t get dizzy easily,” Duo said proudly.
     “Unlike you,” WuFei snapped, pointing to the explosive the Duo had stuck to the end of his braid.
     Duo frowned and pulled the sticker off his hair. “Yeah, but they spun me 11 times instead of ten. I should have complained.”
     Heero put his sticker directly on the target sight. The OZ soldiers began to boo.
     Heero shrugged and took off his mask. “What? I have a good sense of direction.”
     “Gundams 10,001, OZ 0!” Duo said confidentally. The OZ soldiers surrounded him and began to spin him.
     “No, not again!” Duo moaned. There was a knock at the door.
     Une opened it, revealing Hilde dressed as an OZ soldier.
     “Hey! You ordered a stripper?” She giggled.
     “Ugh, actually…,” Une began.
     The soldiers laughed and released Duo. He stumbled forward blindly and tripped over WuFei’s outstretched foot.
     “WuFei!” Quatre scolded.
     “Come on, it was funny,” WuFei said with a grin.
     Duo pitched forwards and crashed into Hilde.
     He pulled off his blindfold. “Ack!” he cried.
     “Duo!” Hilde exclaimed. “I knew you’d be here! You look great! Wanna see my dance, teehee?”
     “Aaah!” Duo cried, standing dizzily. “Put the blindfold back on!”
     Hilde frowned, then winked, “What about you, WuFei?”
     “Get away from me woman!” WuFei cried, backing up.
     “Yes, we’ve decided not to get a stripper,” Une shrugged apologetically. “Good-bye.” She slammed the door. “What game should we play now?”
     “Oh! Oh! Let WuFei open his gifts!” Quatre insisted. The soldiers snickered.
     “I don’t want to open their gifts,” WuFei moaned in anticipation.
     “That’s a great idea,” Lady Une decided, leading WuFei to a chair. “Sit here and I’ll get the gifts.”
     WuFei frowned but the guns pointed in his direction kept him seated. Une handed him a gift.
     WuFei was about to open it, when Quatre called, “Who’s it from?”
     WuFei sighed and removed the card. “From Ensign Carrol. ‘Dear WuFei- hope you think my gift is a blast’. Uh oh.”
     “Pass the card around!” Quatre called.
     “Do I hear ticking?” Trowa muttered.
     WuFei put it next to his hear. “I think this is a bomb.”
     “Oh! Give it here!” Trowa snarled, seizing the package. He tore it open. There was a small puff of smoke and a sharp crack. Then nothing. The soldiers groaned. Trowa frowned in disappointment.
     “Didn’t you guys learn how to make an effective bomb in military school?” Trowa muttered in disappointment.
     “This one’s from me,” Nikol said with a snicker. WuFei frowned and wripped off the card.
    "‘You’re as sweet as sugar and cute as a bunny, happy bday from me to you honey’.” WuFei and the OZ soldiers turned to stare at Nikol.
     Nikol blushed. “It was….a joke.. you know…I didn’t mean it seriously! Just open the gift!”
     WuFei listened to hear if it was ticking and then wripped open the wrapping. “Ack!” WuFei cried, picking up the maimed model of Nataku and flinging it into the air, “Nataku! No!”
     Nikol snickered until the model flew forwards and hit him in the face.
     “Ow! Ugh! My eye!” he sobbed. “You stupid bastard! That was my eye! I’ll kill you good!”
     WuFei snickered.
     “Can I keep the bow?” Quatre asked.

     Fourteen bombs and six other assorted threatening gifts later, WuFei had finished and Quatre was covered in different colored bows.
     “I can’t believe not one of those bombs functioned sufficiently,” Trowa pouted.
     “Can we have the cupcakes?” Quatre asked.
     “I’m diebetic,” Heero confessed.
     “So am I!” said the ensign. “I made them with Nutrasweet.”
     “I bet they suck!” WuFei snapped.
     A tear escaped the ensign’s eye. “I tried really hard….”
     “Look, you made Cecil cry!” Nikol snapped. “Can’t you be nice for once?”
     Lady Une shot Nikol a look. “It’s his birthday. It’s his business if he wants to be mean.” Une stuck a candle in one of the cupcakes and lit it. “Alright, everyone on the count of three sing!” She paused and cleared her throat. “One, two, three.”
     “Happy birthday to you,” the OZ soldiers sang, “Happy birthday to you, you smell like a Relena Peacecraft and you look like her too!”
     “Hey! That was really mean!” WuFei complained.
     “Sing it right!” Quatre scolded. “In three part harmony!”
     The soldiers sighed, but, since Quatre was such a nice guy, they sang the song the correct way in a three part harmony round.
     “Make a wish,” Lady Une told him.
     “I wish I had Nataku so I could kill you all,” WuFei told them, then blew out the candle.
     “Now that you told us it won’t come true, WuFei!” Duo said with a grin.
     “Crap!” WuFei sniffled.
     “Alright one more game and then all of you have to go home,” Une told them. Everyone groaned. “I know, Iknow. But all parties have to end sometime.”
     “Can I have a vanilla cupcake?” Quatre asked.
     “No, you didn’t get me a present,” WuFei snapped, eating his cupcake. “Hey, Cecil! These suck!”
     Cecil sobbed harder. “I sang tenor for you!”
     “I can give you a hundred bucks,” Quatre said with a shrug.
     “For a cupcake?” WuFei asked. “Alright.” he took the money. “Sucker,” he snickered.
     “Can I have one?” Heero asked.
     “No!” WuFei snapped, eating his second one.
     “But I’ve never had a cupcake! Doctor J only let me eat melba toast and oatmeal…,” he sniffled.
     “What do you have for me?” WuFei asked, mouth full.
     “Quatre, pay him off, we want cupcakes!” Duo called.
     Quatre frowned. “You guys don’t just like me for my money, do you?”
     The Gundam boys exchanged looks.
     “No…no of course not,” Duo replied. “Pay him off.”
     WuFei grinned.
     “Alright, that’s enough for everyone here to have one cupcake,” Quatre said, handing him thousands of dollars. “That’s part of my inheritance…so…don’t waste it please.”
     WuFei grinned. “Nataku’s getting a new hat!”
     Quatre frowned.
     “Alright everyone! Pass the orange time!”

     “I don’t like my team!” WuFei protested.
     “Don’t be mean, WuFei,” Quatre scolded.
     “But I have all the wusses on my team! I got you, braided boy, and Cecil! And Nikol got Heero and Trowa! It’s not fair!”
     Lady Une shook her head. “This is about learning to trust one another. Can’t you at least try?”
     “No, shut up,” WuFei snapped.
     “Alright, the first person on each time must put this orange under his chin and then using only     his chin he must pass it on to the next person. If it drops you have to start all over. Understand?”
     Everyone mumbled ‘yes’.
     “Good. Alright. Ready, set, go!” she cried.
     WuFei shoved the orange under his chin. “Come on Cecil! Take it!” he hissed through clenched teeth.
     “If I drop it you’re going to yell at me,” Cecil whispered.
     “Take it!” WuFei growled.
     Frightened, Cecil nodded and took the orange in his chin.
     “Yeah! Give it to the wuss!” WuFei hooted.
     He gave it to Quatre. Quatre tried to say ‘good job’ to Cecil and only succeeded in dropping the orange.
     “Dammit! You clumsy freak!” WuFei yelled, snatching the orange and starting again. “Come on! Do you want to be a winner or not?”
     “I’m a Winner,” Quatre said with a smile.
     WuFei ignored him and passed the orange to Cecil. Cecil passed it to Duo. Duo dropped it.
     “What? Is you’re hair growing into your brain! Why can’t any of you do this?”
     Duo shrugged. “I may run and hide, but I never tell a lie. That’s me in a nutshell!”
     “Shut up! What does that even mean?!” WuFei grumbled, starting again.
     Meanwhile, on the other team the orange had gotten to the last person, Trowa.
     “Just pass it back up, Trowa!” Nikol yelled, “And we win!”
     Trowa began unpeeling the orange.
     “No, Trowa!” Nikol said hastily, “you can’t eat the orange!”
     Trowa took a bite. The team groaned.
     “Sorry, Trowa, eating the orange is against the rules,” Lady shrugged. “Your team forfeits.”
     Nikol groaned. “You idiot!”
     Trowa watched the juice drip down his chin and onto his shirt in streaks. “The juice….it is my     tears,” he murmured.
     “Woohoo! I am the winner!” WuFei hooted. “I rule! Who rocks the house? WuFei rocks the house!”
     Nikol walked over. “Alright, good game, Gundam.”
     WuFei grinned. “Thank you! I rule!”
     “Alright everyone, party’s over,” Une said, “Gundams return to captivity and the rest of you guards report to your stations.”
     “But Lady Une,” Nikol protested. “Haven’t we all learned something here today? That under forced circumstances, we can, under gun point, be civil to each other. I think we should let the Gundams go, and surrender to the Earth Sphere Alliance, where we will once again be forced into peace through crushing tactics.”
     “Very touching,” Lady said dryly. “No.”
     Nikol snatched her glasses.
     “Hey-!? Oh….I feel wonderful. That was a wonderful idea, Nikol. Let’s surrender.” She smiled.    “And let’s let the Gundams go. And I will marry you!”
     Nikol winked. “Isn’t that a nifty trick?”
     Quatre nodded. “I’m impressed.”
     “Have fun, kids!” Une said with a wave.

“Treize Crazy Not-Drugged-Up Trip” (cont)

     Zechs laughed. “You know, Teddy, you may have lost your dignity and my respect for you, but I do like you better this way. Your pacifist ideas are perfectly in sync with mine.”
     Treize chuckled. “Right! Party on, man!” he went to kiss Zechs, but he was so drunk he lost his balance and fell off the couch, smacking his head on the coffee table.
     “Teddy! Teddy!” Zechs cried, shaking him. “Are you okay?”
     Treize groaned and shook his head. “What did you call me, Lietenant Zechs?”
     “Are you okay?” Zechs pressed.
     “As okay as one can be in a time of war. War is like the air, in that we need it, but it is also not like war as in it’s not a gas…..but it should be with people….”
     “Oh no!” Zechs cried, “you’re back!”
     “Zechs, where’s your shirt?” Treize muttered. “That is not proper attire to attend to your superior officer.”
     Zechs sighed. “No sir.”
     Treize flipped on his television.
     “And many rejoice today as OZ surrenders to the Earth Sphere Alliance! The war is over, and the Earth Sphere Alliance is reinstating martial law on all colonies! Crushing peace has once again descended!”
     Treize’s jaw hung open.

Epilogue

Treize and OZ reinstated the war the next day, once the Gundams were out of harm’s way. However, many of their soldiers, including all in attendance of WuFei’s birthday, deserted soon after. The party was regarded as the ‘most rockin’ party of the year’ even without a stripper.

The Gundams continued to fight OZ, but WuFei held onto the pink bunny stuffed animal he received from Cecil and named it ‘WuChan’.